Letting Go of the Illusion of Control
“That nothing is static or fixed, that all is fleeting and impermanent, is the first mark of existence. It is the ordinary state of affairs. Everything is in process. Everything—every tree, every blade of grass, all the animals, insects, human beings, buildings, the animate and the inanimate—is always changing, moment to moment.”
Pema Chodron
I had the privilege of observing the progress of a group of Tibetan monks creating a mandala sand painting at the Asia Society in NYC where I lived. As I watched their progress; the incredible attention to detail done with remarkable patience and cheerfulness, I started to think about how I do things – but most important how I think about the doing of them. In the rich tradition of Tibetan Buddhism, millions of grains of sand are painstakingly laid into place on a flat platform over a period of days or weeks. When finished, the colored sands are swept up and poured into a nearby river or stream where the waters are thought to carry healing energies throughout the world. The “purpose” is to symbolize the impermanence of all that exists.
This amazing practice is often met by questions of “Why bother?” and exclamations of “What a waste.” My experience with the monks left me with questions I still ponder.
In the case of the monk’s painting, can we create something of beauty and admiration if it is not lasting? What is its value if it is only temporary? Are the time, patience and dedication to the creation worth less because it was destroyed? If the paintings were displayed in a museum or owned by someone, would the monk’s work be more important? Thinking about the impermanence of all things is something most of us would rather ignore. That’s understandable – it isn’t easy. But denial doesn’t change reality. Looking through the lens of impermanence can have a powerful effect on the choices and decisions we make, even if it is simply to change how we want to think.
Ultimately, the questions posed by the symbol of the monk’s work – questions about the nature of impermanence are deeply philosophical and not within the realm of this article. But they speak to important questions about the ways in which we do our work, engage in relationships and make the momentary choices that make up our lives.
Letting Go of Stopping the Flow – Non-Resistance
We spend a considerable amount of our precious time trying to control what is outside of our control. Clearly, the most important step we can take to assess how we use our energies is to define what we mean by control and understand the beliefs that compel us. Even though intellectually we may acknowledge the limits of our control, a closer examination of how we feel and act implies we believe we have greater control than we admit. Little escapes our desire for control; with other people’s actions often topping the list. Wanting other’s to think, feel and behave differently isn’t always manipulative or negative in intention. We can intend for other’s to be happier, healthier or successful, but ultimately our attempt to control is to satisfy our own inner needs.
Not understanding those drives and needs can leave us in a repetitive state of dissatisfaction and frustration. This is the common plight of many managers who are faced with employees who do not conform to their behavioral style.
Many spiritual traditions practice forms of non-resistance. The Eastern discipline of Tai Chi is built on the principle of non-resistance or “action without action.” The concept of effortless doing is behind the principle that you don’t resist or work against energies (internal or external) but you actually work with them. In practice, your non-resistance aligns with the flow of the energy rather than exerting power (wasted) on trying to suppress the momentum of the energy of “what is.” Eastern philosophies liken the nature of non-resistance to the flow of water. Water flows around its obstacles – its nature is strong yet yielding. When we resist anything, the force we create is tight, tense and always reactive. Loving What Is author Byron Katie’s point outs, “I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.”
When you resist “what is” you’re often unconsciously triggering old unresolved feelings and memories. Resistance feeds on repetitive thinking – and repetitive thought continues to “fire” neurons that activate the limbic emotional responses for fear, anger and frustration. This creates an emotional loop that’s difficult to undo. Unfortunately, too many people stay stuck in these chronic states of frustration. As this negative loop re-triggers old neural habits, we often complicate our experience by trying to suppress the emotions that arise. Studies show that emotional suppression doesn’t work and that the “kickback” from resistance is often stronger than the initial feeling. In many ways, our own internal emotional system mirrors the similar dynamic of what happens when we try to resist what is happening outside of us.
Letting Go of Resistance
When we begin the process of letting go of resistance, the only place to start and the only place to be is the present. In the 60,000 or so thoughts we humans have each day; many or most are focused on the past or the future. The reality of existence is that we only have this moment – the present – to live. So paying attention to what we’ve resisted in the past may be interesting, even informative, but noticing what we are resisting right now (feelings, the weather, a colleague’s attitude, bad news, a computer glitch, etc) is what is in our control.
Being non-resistant to what is doesn’t mean that you lower your standards, stop caring about external events or become a doormat for others. It means that as we act as conscious and motivated individuals we do so without harboring the belief that we can manipulate or arrange outside events. We care and we act without attachment.
Non-Attachment, a term often used in Buddhism, refers to the art of being engaged (present, attentive, involved, curious, aware) without trying to control the outcome of a situation. This is the essence of non-resistance. I may have a point of view, even a strong one, about how I would like to see a situation turn out, but I am not cognitively or emotionally trying to manipulate the outcome.
What I expect when I practice non-resistance is very different from what I expect when I am actively (whether unconsciously or consciously) trying to control an outcome. This can be tricky because once you begin to actively pursue being non-resistant you will experience how often you were operating from your “agenda” previously. While non-attachment can result in an exhilarating sense of freedom, there can also be a feeling of detachment or discomfort, especially in the experimental stages.
Judgment is another way we resist what is. We can have preferences and values about what is important to us, but judging others produces a very different effect. You know you’re judging when the accompanying feelings are anger, resentment and disdain.
When I judge I am essentially saying, “I’m right,” and “You’re wrong.” This is challenging and often murky territory because of what we consider to be moral reasoning. Moral judgment is complex and highly personal. Groups and societies must make collective decisions about moral reasoning if they are to live harmoniously and attend effectively to pluralistic needs.
Judgment and control are frequent companions. Judgment can often feel satisfying because it reinforces our self-esteem and provides the veneer of safety. More often it restricts choice and limits our freedom especially in relationships where judgment is perceived through body language and the unconscious emotional messaging we cannot not communicate.
Resistance is mental, emotional and physical struggle. The discomfort, pain and suffering we create from small attempts to control (“the line starts here, not there”) to trying to change the feelings or behavior of others, especially loved ones, is exhausting. It is also futile. Writer and teacher Eckhart Tolle asks a powerful question, “What would you do if you surrendered to your life, just as it is, in this moment?
Writer David Robert Ord offers a vision of nonresistance in the work world, “In the take-charge, aggressive approach of much of modern business, to be in a surrendered state of mind would be viewed as capitulating to the forces of the world around us. There are so many factors involved in modern business—so many things to consider, so many balls to juggle—that people are often mentally stressed and physically tense from all that has to be accomplished.” Yet Eckhart Tolle writes in Stillness Speaks: “Doing one thing at a time means to be total in what you do, to give it your complete attention. This is surrendered action—empowered action. Surrendered action has no resistance in it. We don’t fight our circumstances, don’t focus on all the things that are coming at us, don’t tell ourselves a story about “how much we have to do.”
This surrendered state, which is free of all resistance, allows us to become present with whatever is asking for our attention at this moment, now. We bring our full attention to it, instead of part of us thinking about what else we need to be doing. Plus, we aren’t emotionally flustered by all the demands on us, but can focus our attention in a calm way. This frees up a lot of energy that’s otherwise frittered away in emotional turmoil. We won’t break free of the habits of resistance – the tendencies towards attachment and the natural reactivity to judge easily. This idea can defeat us even before we begin. But what is doable is for us to remember the next time we feel the urge to resist what is – we let go – even for only an instant. In that moment, we’ve broken new ground for what is possible.
Thich Nhat Hahn wrote, “We have to nourish our insight into impermanence every day. If we do, we will love more deeply, suffer less and enjoy life much more.”
Thanks for reading.
Louise Altman, Partner, Intentional Communication Consultants
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