Emotional Baggage at Work

In truth, we all start, somewhere, within a family system. The experience is universal and lifelong.

We all bring it – we all have it. It is a matter of degree – and awareness.

In every interaction we have at work, we bring our internal and interpersonal dynamics to the table. Family, culture, generation and other demographic imprints with us.

The first problem is that many of us don’t even realize it.

Workplace dynamics are part of a system. We will define a system as a set of interconnected things or parts that form a complex whole.

The second problem is that the “modern” workplace doesn’t operate as a whole.

Most organizations and institutions think in parts  still functioning from a 17th century model. According to Sylvia LaFair, author of Don’t Bring it to Wok: Breaking Family Patterns that Limit Success, ” Most business leaders aren’t trained to think systematically, but rather in dichotomies or dualities. When problems occur, they resort to predictable analytic responses: sort and judge and sort and judge.”

The highly trained executives are responding to today’s complex and unrelenting pressures with a very small outdated toolkit – let’s isolate the problem (even if the “problem” is human complexity) and fix it. Too many leaders still think understanding and using psychology is akin to “doing therapy” and that factoring in feelings into the equation is “soft.”

Let’s face it – most of us have plenty of unfinished emotional business. Because of our collective conditioning and the old memes that govern work, we don’t like to admit it. In fact, some of us are downright embarrassed about it.

The reality is that with the exception of those of us that grew up with the mythic world of the perfect family – growing up can leave us with emotional scars – or at least, ingrained behaviorial habits.    

Many of us drag our unresolved family hurt with us to relationships with peers and significant others, through schooling and into the workplace. Once in the workplace, many of us tend to view workplace relationships primarily through the prism of our past experiences.

A boss can become a Mom or Dad. A co-worker becomes the competitive or annoying sibling We become the long-suffering son or daughter yearning for recognition. The “incompetents” at work replace the kids that let us down.The raise we did not get becomes the rejection from the team or the awards. And the childish bully ways of some can ripen into more sophisticated power manuevers.

It can become an emotional stew that is mixed with the real adult demands to work effectively and productively in diverse cultures with people we often barely know. They may have very different backgrounds, styles, preferences, languages and mindsets.

Place that stew within the typically competetive workplace cultures filled with super-achievers and technological tools that often impede personal communication and you can get a potentially volatile environment.

The question of how family dynamics thwart or enhance workplace relations is challenging. Logically, the success of teams and work groups depends of effective communication, trust and transparency, with a real willingness to work with others, collaboratively. Yet,too many team members still function as sole proprietors.

The Role of the Brain

Author David Rock’s SCARF Model offeres a blueprint to help us to understand the real drivers of human social behavior. If we accept that early childhood learning imprint our psycho-social development and sets us up for how we relate to others – inside and outside of work – that science can illuminate how we can work with these dynamics.

Although all of the dynamics in this model are relevant, (Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, Fairness) the role of status provides a compelling glimpse into the family dynamics of the workplace. According to Rock points out that status is the most significant marker in human health and life span.

Consequently, the perception of a potential or real reduction in status can generate strong threat responses to the brain. Competition, which still underpins the structure of most management systems, can set those early childhood dynamics in motion.

This is not woo-woo touchy-feeley stuff – it is well established science.

Yes, We know Managers Are Not Therapists

Conversations about the role of psycho-dynamics in the workplace often end with the statement, “Well this may all be true, but we’re not here to do therapy.” No one is suggesting that managers become therapists – or that every conversation that acknowledges feelings will end in a counseling session. However, if we continue to operate our organizations as if human dynamics do not exist, we will continue to have the same problems.

The “revolution” in the business mindset will come when we acknowledge the full spectrum of the human experience and stop acting as if work was simply an economic transaction. Because so many organizations and leaders are averse to discussing emotions, we continue to work in systems that try to compartmentalize human experience.

Some organizations and leaders are understandably afraid to open up “a can of worms” by allowing feelings to be acknowledged. Rather than seeking out appropriate and creative ways to address emotional issues, they continue to sweep them under the proverbial carpet.

We have much to learn about ourselves and others. Without question, we all bear responsibility for our own behavior. But there is a whole new world of knowledge available that can give us tools to understand the old, unexamined patterns that drive us and undermine our social systems.

Workplace relationships are the lifeblood of work. The health, strength and resiliency of those relationships are a powerful economic engine. And those relationships, so often characterized as exhausting, frustrating and draining can be transformed to offer support, community and inspiration.

 
Louise Altman, Intentional Communication Consultants
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