Conflict - What's the Problem?

"The biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."
-- George Bernard Shaw

This is a very popular quote with our clients. It resonates with so many people because it rings so true. Working with others, we engage in "communication" all day long but rarely do we ask ourselves this important question "does the person at the other end of this communication really understand what I am saying?"

Clear and "intentional" communication is even more critical in the climate of today's workplace. A key conflict management skill is the ability to take a pro-active perspective in anticipating potential conflict triggers - in one's self and with others.

Studies show Fortune 500 execs spend at least 30% of their time dealing with conflict. We think that's an underestimate. Many work environments seem "wired" for conflict.

Downsizing and restructuring are contributing to escalating conflict. Anxiety is the natural response for most people in times of uncertainty. Fear sets the stage for conflicts to occur and accelerate.

As a result of our work conducting seminars and facilitating work groups, it is evident that anger and resentment stemming from unresolved conflicts clouds decision-making and erodes trust. Not surprising, performance suffers as a result.

Other Factors that Contribute to Conflict in the Workplace:

Low levels of individual and group emotional intelligence
Lack of personal "needs" literacy
Lack of self-knowledge regarding personal and collective beliefs that trigger and sustain conflict

Limited conflict management skills play a major role in how conflict is addressed - or not.

Many people cannot handle the thought of directly confronting someone over a work related issue. This is particularly problematic when co-workers and managers attempt to sweep conflict under the carpet.

Often, we find that most people have three primary conflict "strategies."

Avoidance
Defense
Attack

These "strategies" are typically not within conscious awareness, rather, they represent the unexamined habits of years of reacting rather than responding directly to conflict.

For many individuals, teams and organizations, conflict aversion is viral.

There are numerous symptoms of conflict aversion within a workplace:

Fear of asking questions
Fear of voicing divergent opinions
Employees not understanding the rationale for how decisions are made and unwilling to find out
Chronic fault-finding and blaming - a common defense for the conflict averse
Stylistic differences between co-workers that become chronic conflicts, rarely addressed and discussed.

Conflict aversion, a common dynamic that perpetuates cycles of tension within individuals and groups, is caused by fear. Research shows that emotional contagion is a real force that impacts group dynamics.

Most Of The Time We Don't Even Know What The Problem Is!

We cannot fully "resolve" a conflict unless we understand its source. Conflicts are routinely recycled because we rarely get to the root of the problem.

While there are multiple factors that must be taken into consideration in analyzing the nature of a conflict, identifying the type of conflict at hand is critical. This helps us to better assess the underlying foundation of the problem that if left unattended, will persist in re-activating the conflict.

3 Types of Conflict

Internal - As far as we're concerned, all conflicts have an internal dimension. However, for our typology, we'll define this conflict as an internal struggle between competing needs, wants, beliefs, values and feelings.

When dealing with internal conflict - no one else even has to be in the room! It happens in our mind, feelings and our bodies.

A common by-product of internal conflict is projection. We project outwardly on our relationships and environment those internal struggles that we have not resolved. Without self-knowledge of what our "issues" are and what triggers them - internal conflicts spill out and quickly become interpersonal.

Interpersonal - These conflicts are the externalization of unmet internal needs when we perceive a "threat." When most of us think of conflict, we think of it as a interpersonal clash of personalities and behaviors.

Often, when we misdiagnose a conflict's roots as solely interpersonal, we miss important underlying individual issues that are untouched. What takes place is an endless cycle of triggering and re-triggering people's reactive feelings which are reflective of their unmet needs.

Perception is the operative word here. In most conflicts, people never get past their positions. (I want this and she wants that)

Because perceptions run the thinking show and most are outside of our conscious awareness, we have difficulty getting beyond the same issues that ignite internal and external conflicts.

Structural - "Structural" forces play a big role in triggering, escalating and obscuring conflicts. Often they are at the root of a conflict and do not surface because people don't look behind the "presenting" problem they experience.

Examples of structural factors that can influence conflict are: organizational restructuring, environmental influences, policies and procedures and cultural (ethnicity, race, gender, generational) issues to name a few.

It is important to understand the role these structural forces play in conflict because in most cases, they are beyond our control to resolve. However, it is crucial to factor their influence into any analysis of a conflict.

Although we may be able to influence certain aspects of structural "givens," they are not within our power to change. Too many people, especially within work settings, persist in expending valuable energy in trying to change what is not within their control to change.

Core Tools Individuals Need to Maximize Their Responses to Conflict

Self-knowledge of past and present beliefs and attitudes regarding conflict situations
Insight into internal needs driving their behavior in responding to conflict
Emotional awareness and solid self-management skills
Ability to separate out people from "actions"
Good listening and assertive communication skills
Ability to identify and seek common ground and interests in a collaborative style
Willingness to act empathetically and to "step into" another's perspective

What Teams and Organizations Need

Individuals with the skills listed above
Pro-active policies, agreements and practices that recognize and accommodate conflict as a "normative" process
A commitment to build more trust into the systems
Creating climates of safety for individuals and groups to air issues, share differences and disagreements as part of the on-going process of work

While dealing with conflict is rarely easy or "fun," it is an inevitable reality in addressing diversity of thought and actions in human dynamics.

The more time, energy and resources we invest in fine-tuning our ability to manage conflict, the greater the possibility for constructive outcomes.

Most conflicts won't just go away. They will harden, sap energies, kill trust and persist. The thinking and feelings that act as conduits for conflict seek resolution, not suppression.

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Contact info@intentionalcommunication.com